A life not lived for oneself is not worth living. (Dark)

I got my letter to start T!

Cross-posted to Facebook and LiveJournal:

I didn't get a physical letter yet, but she set up my appointment with Dr. Michael at Wichita Clinic.  First available was July 8th, so I have to wait a bit longer than I'd like- but that's okay.  She said that he already had me in his patient system because he visited me as a diabetes doctor when I was at St. Francis in 2004 with some awful flu/pneumonia thing.  She also said that Dr. Michael visits Dr. Guthrie's (my diabetes doc who takes MedicAid) patients and vice versa.  Dr. Michael does not take MedicAid, but they promised me a 25 dollar co-pay to get in the door for the Consultation appointment and that they'd work out a payment plan after that. 

Since Dr. Guthrie and Dr. Michael already consult with one another, switching from uber-expensive endocrinologist to my own regular endo should not be a problem after the initial appointment.  AND since I have a diabetes appointment on Monday, during which I was to ask for a CBC for Dr. Xu (psychiatrist) anyhow and believe I am due for one anyway, I can also get a CBC sent to Dr. Michael.....which MEANS, if everything looks okay, my initial consultation appointment will be my first shot.  JULY EIGHTH, TWO-THOUSAND AND EIGHT.

Dr. Neaman (gender therapist) said that after I see my mom, sis, and dad (and hopefully Gran, Grandad, and Aunt MB) in Florida in June- should things go badly when I tell my parents, I can see her on July 1st, 2nd, or 3rd.  I'm glad I have that back-up appointment, but doubt I will have the money to.  She charges me a student rate of 100 bucks an appointment.  The letter costs a little extra...

I was asked a lot of questions (it had been a year since I had seen her) and had to go through a lengthy description [which I abbreviated as best as possible] of the move from hell, Ash, Rosie, the break-up, and the fact that I still had a decent support system in place without them playing such a prominent role.  I was also asked about my parents' divorce, how possibly losing contact with Gran & Grandad would affect me...that would be the point I started crying.  Yeah, I cried.  I also cried about the fact I haven't heard back from the Aunt and Uncle I came out to recently, except to hear my sis say they are praying to G-d about their response and don't know what to say yet.  I pointed out that I don't believe my Gran & Grandad (they turn 79 this year, but longevity [120 in the 1800's even] runs in my family) are coherent enough to notice my transition.  They don't notice my transness, even when I am referred to as male in their presence.  I think they'll chalk up any differences in me to something to do with being gay.  Regardless of whether I lose them or not, I've tried getting quality time in with them as much as possible my last few visits.....in preparation for the fact I may lose them.  This is too important to my own overall health, well-being, and self-image to not do.

I had to tell a few white lies to get her to write it.  My ED therapist, Nancy, has already agreed that testosterone is likely to benefit me greatly and cause me to handle what issues I have left to deal with from a better place.  So, when she asked about current mental health, I fibbed a bit.  It's been a really rough semester, but my therapist is proud of me and thinks starting T is a perfectly reasonable and sane step to take at this point and I trust her confirmation.  I have also thought about harvesting my eggs or possibly having children at some point in the future.  When she asked if I was still considering this, she added that if I were, she could not conceivably write me the letter.  She is very stuck in gender stereotypes.  I thought about telling her about the pregnant transguy in Oregon, but I didn't want her to think I was still considering having my own children.  So, I said I wasn't thinking about that anymore.

*shrugs*

I don't see those as major things or things she should be judging me on for my privilege of receiving hormone therapy.  I know many FTMs who would agree, too.  My diabetes office knows the full truth of everything and they're proud of my progress, too.  I don't foresee these issues affecting them eventually giving me my Testosterone there.  I'll find out Monday for sure, but I think my diabetes care and mental health care is in the best place it can be, given the circumstances and that my diabetes team will support my decision to start T.  I have been told both by my diabetes doctor and by other diabetic transguys to expect erratic sugars for about a month or so, before the body adjusts to the increase in testosterone.  After that initial adjustment, both have told me that blood sugars are actually much improved than pre-T.  So, yeah.  There's that angle.

More than likely, I will have to go in for my shot monthly...that's just the way the doctors in town do things here.  Noah injects his own and orders it from a pharmacy in Texas, I think.  Since, I am diabetic and already familiar with injecting, there is a slim chance eventually they'll let me do my own and not have to come in.

*reads over*

That was more than I really wanted to say and I will probably write more later when it gets closer.  I'm buying a new car with Summer FinAid and am taking the Fall semester off.  One, for a break; two, to pursue other things (SCUBA certification, more writing time, travel, self defense classes- maybe Tai Kwan Do); and three, because I am probably gonna be pretty self-absorbed for the first few months (or 12), I am on T.  I want time to adjust to the changes happening in my body and time to just focus on being as healthy a man as I can be. 

I think that's it.  I'm open to questions, if you have them.

Currently Reading Invisible Man By Ralph Ellison see related

Where to begin?

First off, I want to apologize to any readers who were concerned for my well-being since my last post before I dropped off the face of the earth was so.......worry-inducing. My health has been getting worse and worse throughout the semester and that, plus stress from school and finances has made it near impossible for me to keep anything updated save for Facebook

Quick rundown of the semester:
I kept up gender therapy appointments and saw my therapist about once or twice a month. She was ready to start me on testosterone (T) in March, but I felt I needed to work on eating disorder issues first and am currently working weekly with another therapist on those issues. To those of you who keep up with my multiple issues, I’ve no idea what number I am at. Somewhere in the 10-20 range, we haven’t really been keeping track and I’ve lost much of my semester. I remember very little of my work and school time. I know I wasn’t sleeping very much and eating was a chore.

*sighs and shrugs*

I let things drop off with Rabbi for a bit, because I was too stressed with other things. I have been reading and studying on my own, however. I was supposed to go to England on May 22nd with the rest of the NU study abroad folks, but my doctor grounded me for health reasons. I have spent more time in the ER and hospital, and at doctor, specialist, and therapy appointments, than I have actually in class or at work

Remarkably and at the same time unremarkably, my GPA for the semester was a 3.0. That’s one C, two B’s, and an A, plus a Pass in a Pass/Fail course. Unfortunately, while I started the semester with a load of 19 credits, I ended it with only 12- wait, 9 credits after my medical withdrawal from the England Abroad class. (And no, I don't want to talk about it.  I'm upset that my doctor grounded me and forbade me from travelling overseas.  I'm upset that my health is bad enough for her to do that and that nothing seems to be helping improve my diabetes control yet.  At least I was allowed to go to Sam's graduation from UNLV.  Of course, that's just because I didn't tell my endo that I was going to Vegas.)  I am considering taking the Fall semester off and will decide for sure sometime in the 2nd week of August.

I had a lot of travel plans this semester and did manage to go to the Big Gay Conference (MBLGTACC aka Alphabet Soup) in the weekend after Valentine’s Day. I went to workshops on being OUT in seminary and ministry, Two-Spiritedness, transitioning as an educator (Debra Davis), GLBTIQA in the Deaf (or was it Deaf in the GLBTIQA) Community, saw a short doc called "Toilet Training" about transpeople and restrooms, heard Faisal Alam talk about starting (it’s all about the Yahoo! Group listservs) al-Fatiha, and heard Loren Cameron speak about his photography. This conference is where I met my now girlfriend, Rosie. She is the love of my life and possibly past lives as well. I am so lucky to have found her. I truly believe she is my bashert. She is very supportive of me in all of my endeavors and struggles. I only hope I can be equally supportive of her, my pretty girl with red hair. Yay for Irish redheads! Spring Break was originally to be spent in Sacramento visiting/meeting Jody IRL, but Joders was busy and so I went back to Minneapolis and spent the week with Rosie, who was having surgery. I think I helped her by being there, or so she told me. Of course, I fell even more in love and especially with all of the unexpected things. Like going to Smitten Kitten and purchasing something of which I am very happy to call my own. Or ordering in from Davanni’s and going to an Iraq War student protest on campus.

I managed to finish the semester with 7 ER visits, 1 psych hospital stay, and 1 regular hospital stay. The doctors still haven’t figured out exactly what is wrong, but my insulin was changed. I’m now on Levemir, instead of Lantus. So far, there is little change with my diabetes. For the past month or so, my sugars have been up and down (20s to 600s) and they keep getting worse and worse. I suffered a seizure shortly before Spidey 3’s midnight showing. I’ve been having really unbearable back pain, anxiety, and migraines for the past 2 months and my less masculine parts have really been stressing me out healthwise. I am going to be seeing a chiropractor regularly for the next 2 weeks, to see if that will alleviate the pain any

My car was broken into 3 times this semester. The one time that anything was taken, all they took was my bookbag with my Tehillim, digital camera, an anti-suicide book by Kate Bornstein (which I still need to replace), my Spidey mask (which I replaced with a more expensive costume, courtesy of major credit card debt), a Swing CD, and an ED recovery book. Ironic, no? The last time it was broken into was the night before my seizure. I was also roughed up a bit by some drunks who thought I was a “fag.” I don’t know if the incidents are related and the police were less than helpful after they realized the “ma’am” they thought they were addressing had a male name. I’m leaving my car unlocked from now on and I have been more strategic with which bumper stickers I have on my car

*frowns*

Beau died on February 4th, 2007, a mere week after his lifelong friend Cathy died from kidney failure. Beau TwoFeather Dussault was a neighbor of mine at the Commodore. This guy adopted me unofficially as one of his kids, back when I first moved into the Commodore apartments and told him about my family. When I came out as trans*, he started calling me “Mr. Izzy” ‘cause he said it helped him remember my gender better. He taught me almost everything I know about Native culture and showed me how to make regalia and knives and other Native craft items. He had promised to take me hunting one day (bow & arrow) and we were planning on doing it this summer. He looked out for kids like me. He was like a dad to M and S, too. Well, he was a recovering addict and he had been off of Methadone for a long time due to heart and blood pressure issues. He was also on painkillers for his back. This guy was a Vietnam Vet and a good ol’ boy, so his love and acceptance of me and M and S meant even more than it normally would.
Anywho, in early February a doctor put him back on Methadone (at way too high of a dose) and ignored his ER visit the weekend before for heart trouble. That Friday night, I went to go hang out with Kalli and Cheryl and he stopped me in the lobby. He gave me a big bear hug and said, “MR. IZZY! Why don’t you come see me no more?” I promised him I would hang out with him Saturday night and apologized for being so busy lately. He chastised me and said I wasn’t gonna hang out with him and demanded to know why I hadn’t talked to Rosa, his wife, about taking better care of her diabetes. He was so happy with Rosa. They had only been married since November 10th, but I had known Beau a long time and he’d never found true love until he met her. He wouldn’t let me out of the bear hug until I swore that I would see him Saturday night. So, I did and wriggled out of his arms. Well, I wound up doing a NUMB3RS marathon with Kalli and Cheryl...........and didn’t make it home until Sunday around 7 am.
I reminded myself that I needed to stop by Beau’s that afternoon and apologize and then I curled up in my bed and tried to sleep. Around 9:30 am, I woke up because I heard Rosa sobbing in the hallway. Their apartment is caddy corner to my bedroom. My heart jumped into my throat when I heard her crying. I threw on some clothes and ran into the hallway. I went up and held her, holding back tears, and asked what was wrong. She said that Beau was dead, that she had woken up next to his cold body. I though about how ironic it was that Beau had wanted to die next to a beautiful woman he loved who loved him back and that it had actually happened that way. Then I was angry and I held her and said, “He’s not. He’s not dead.” I waited and watched as the paramedics tried to revive his pale body, while I held his sobbing wife. It all felt so surreal. Looking back, it still seems surreal. I burned sage, cedar, and sweetgrass outside his door while we waited for the morgue to come pick up his body. The funeral was a week later at the United Methodist Indian Church.
It still doesn’t feel real. I dance for him now at the pow wow, or rather I am learning how. He helped me make my leggings, moccasins, and breechcloth. I remember asking him for his ribbon shirt and he said, “Over my dead body.” Well, Rosa remembered that and gave it to me. I now wear it every pow wow. It’s a little big for me, but I am hoping I will grow into it some more once I start T- which will be in about 2 years, but still. Rosa also gave me all of his craft stuff and tools. I was honored and gratified that she realized that I was probably the only one who would put the items to any use. I’m working on a knife, fan, and walking stick right now. Beau passed away right before the Alphabet Soup conference and I am still mourning him. I hope he is proud of me.

I felt very responsible for Rosa after Beau’s death and I watched her as close as I could. Spending time with her and watching movies. However, when I left town for the Conference and arrived home on Tuesday, I was exhausted and decided to sleep and check on her in the morning. Well, she ODed on meth shortly afterward which exacerbated my already high levels of anxiety and stress. Eventually, I had to admit myself to Good Shepherd because whatever med I was on was definitely not helping the situation. Ironically, Rosa wound up being my roommate. I was grateful for this, because CL had lied and told me that she hadn’t even come out of the coma yet which was worrying me even more. Rosa and I were both released on the same day and after giving her the talk about her diabetes that Beau wanted me to have, I have since relinquished any responsibility for her. She is old enough to take care of herself. I knew both her and Beau from the BreakThrough Club, which Beau introduced me to. BTC helped me go back to college and they also help pay my rent. Regardless of what Beau said, I know he does not expect me to watch over her every move. I have heard that Rosa is using again and that worries me, but I can do nothing about it. C’est la vie. I need to take care of myself anyhow. CL caused drama over Beau’s death, claiming him as his Native father, too. (Which is funny only because Beau really didn’t like CL, since he was obnoxious and always critiquing Beau’s cooking ability. Beau had been a professional chef for over 20 years.) He even went so far as to try to arrange funeral and memorial services behind Rosa’s back. Anyway, drama aside, CL fell sick shortly afterward. I have even heard that he is also using again. In fact, he told me himself that he was using again. This upsets me a lot, but I am not responsible for him. He is 29 years old and if he wants to take a fast track to death, so be it. He knows how I feel about it and how I worry about him, but he still chooses this. At least his counts are better, although he’s had three car accidents this semester and one or two hospital stays. I am frustrated with my big bro, CL, because all the prayers in the world aren’t going to help him if he refuses to take care of his health- regarding his HIV status, diabetes, epilepsy, and asthma… I have stopped feeling responsible for his well-being. After all, he’s a big boy. He should be able to take care of himself.

CL and I did go to the Tulsa Two-Spirit Gathering together with the Wichita Two-Spirit Society. That was an incredible experience for me. Jon and Tommy came from Wichita and I learned they live nearby. They are a COMCARE couple, but they complement each other well and I really think they’ll do okay. Jon and I share disorders. Thankfully, his weight (and my own health in that area) is much better now. The weekend before the Gathering, I participated in my first sweat. It was a very good sweat. At the Tulsa Two-Spirit Gathering, I participated in drag (well, it wasn’t drag for me) for the first time ever. I met Richard (aka Simone) who has the most gorgeous soprano voice I have ever heard. Richard helped me fix my leggings which were fashioned hastily with Beau and also said that if we kept in touch, might be able to help me make fancier regalia. We posed as Spider-Man and Superman, fellow nerds in action. Unfortunately, the picture was taken with a digital camera that has since been stolen. I am hoping others took many pictures of the Gathering, because I lost all of mine. I met a Blackfoot Elder FTM in Tulsa, named Marcus, who spoke with me about my transition and my path. He gave me a warrior silver cuff at the Giveaway. I learned that tobacco and sage are the best gifts and you should never apologize for giving them. The Giveaway was great. Marcus lives in San Francisco and is helping with the Montana Two-Spirit Retreat the weekend after Labor Day. (As a side note, Marcus knew Robert Eads and Lola who are in the documentary, Southern Comfort.) I have since realized that not only can I not afford to go to this retreat, but I cannot afford to go to Gender Odyssey in Seattle Labor Day weekend either. I am trying very hard to accept this and not put myself into more debt, trying to go. I will simply save up for next year and hope that Pam and Michael let me go. Antonio is going with Pam and Michael this year, because he gave an impassioned speech at the Giveaway about being Positive and not speaking very good English when he first arrived here from Mexico. They want Antonio to give a workshop at the Montana Two-Spirit Retreat. He has found a family in our Native community and we are grateful to have him. Michael is being honored with a naming ceremony (which is why he and Pam must go) by his tribe, the Chippewa.

Transition-wise, my name has been legally changed for almost 6 months now. I think I will wait until right after graduation to start testosterone. I do not think I will be teaching in Wichita and would like to go straight to Grad school, most likely at Emporia State or University of Minnesota. If I get a handle on my finances, I can start saving money for top surgery. Of course, most of this is subject to change. I am waiting for a few reasons. One reason is that I have a beautiful girlfriend who will see me as I want and need to be seen, no matter what. Another reason is that I have many younger cousins whom I fear I would be forbidden contact with if/when I came out and started T while they are still in their “formative” years. The final reason is that even though my gender therapist feels I am ready, from how easily I fell apart this semester from stress and anxiety- I would be afraid to subject my diabetes control to yet another variable, as of yet. I need to be much healthier when I start hormones. I am trying to bide my time and be patient for now.

Also, I am trying to keep more kosher by sticking to a largely vegetarian diet. When I do choose to eat meat, I am more conscious of my choices. I am eating as organically and healthily as possible on a limited budget. So far, I haven’t completely cut meat out. I still have it about once or twice (tuna, lamb, etc.) a month. However, I am very impressed with how often I don’t have it. I already know how to make matzo ball soup, Gran’s spaghetti and meatballs, and Coq au Vin without using actual meat. (And it tastes pretty darn close to the original, too!) I’m still getting protein (I didn’t cut out eggs or dairy) from cheese, beans, nuts, and meat substitutes- so don’t worry. I am severely limiting my intake of alcohol due to my recent health issues. I am actually pretty excited with my attempts so far at vegetarianism and will keep you all apprised of my efforts. (This isn’t just because I am dating a vegetarian. After all, Elanora was vegetarian. I have been considering this for some time and decided it would be a good thing to try out now. The fact that I am dating a vegetarian does make it easier to try though.) By the way, if anyone knows of a good corned beef or roast lamb meatless substitute, do let me know please?

I am also trying to be more frugal with my spending. I still have problems spending money, but I am learning to be more careful. I am very much in debt right now and I am formulating a plan to get out of it on my own. See, every time I felt pain or had bad blood sugars or experienced heightened anxiety, my first reaction was to purchase something- whether I could afford it or not. I am getting out of this habit now. I am seeing a chiropractor right now to help with my migraines, anxiety, and back pain. I will see my diabetes doctor again in about 2 weeks, with hopefully much tighter reins on the Big D. If all goes well, in about three weeks, I plan on driving to Minneapolis to spend a couple of months with Rosie. I’m bringing all of the food I have with me and am not planning on spending more than maybe 50 bucks tops the entire time I am there- aside from gas money and emergency cash, that is. But, I am so worn out. If this summer break is not enough for me, I may be taking the Fall semester off. Financially, I cannot really afford to do this. But my semesters have been getting progressively worse and I may HAVE TO for my health and peace of mind. If I do not attend classes this Fall, I will be concentrating on my health, individual study with Rabbi for my conversion, and learning self defense. Those are my basic goals. I may add to them. I definitely need to learn self defense. I’m tired of being pegged an easy mark. If I do take the Fall off, I will definitely return in the Spring.

*sighs*

Wow. So, yeah that was very long. Let me end with saying that your prayers would be very much appreciated and that I am mostly concentrating on myself and my health right now. So, if I don’t answer my cell or seem to be ignoring you or ditching a lot when I have said I would hang out with you- don’t take it too personally. My health is very unstable right now and I need to focus on getting better and finding a better balance.

(P.S. In addition to all of my friends, I am very grateful to the friendships I have found recently: Rafi, Lizz B, Cristina S, Emily, Marcus, Michael, Jon, Tommy, Minnesota people, Kate B, Daniel, Qwo-Li, Shira, and many others...)

Apologies ahead of time are never a good sign

Currently Reading Fortunate Families: Catholic families with lesbian daughters and gay sons By Mary Ellen Lopata see related

Lyricized strings of emotions, images, and text haphazardly placed for you...

"Passing" is the oppressive concept that there are only two genders - male and female.  As such, someone must either appear and present as male or female, all of the time.  There can be no room for genderqueer revolutions of androgyny and drag.  This is a societal concept and largely an English one.  I believe there are as many gender identities and sexual orientations as there are people.  Despite being taught otherwise, were there only two genders.....would we even have transgender people?  No, because if there were only two, we would disavow any concept which threatened this as hogwash and go on about our binary-gendered lives.  But it is this threat (that there is so much more to gender than the male/female dichotomy) that lies at the base of every homophobic and transphobic attack.  People who bend, blend, and otherwise blur gender are attacked because they cannot be pigeon-holed appropriately in this two gendered civilization.  As such, they become threats to our very society.  Gender has become so rigid in America and other countries, that people are literally willing to do anything (even kill) to hold onto this socialized rigidity of male/female and blue/pink.  I can't wait until this ends.  And wait, I shall.



Birthday post coming soon...  It was awesome and full of video games, movies, tropical hibiscus plants, and delicious sugar-free pumpkin pie!

Currently Watching Stranger Than Fiction By Will Ferrell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Dustin Hoffman, Queen Latifah, Emma Thompson, Tony Hale, Kristin Chenoweth, John Janota, T.J. Jagodowski, Angelina Riposta, Grizz Patterson, Clifford M. Freeney, Julie Hilgendorf, Jessica Schlobohm, John R. Haley, Rikki Ragland, Ora Jones (II), Jonathan Parise, Ruby Gonzalez, Nicole Auman see related